| This is just for Ashley |
[Jun. 30th, 2005|07:53 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  calm | ] |
Here ashley this is just for you.
Im bored and I want to come over and kiss you.
Love Brian.
THERE"S YOUR UPDATE |
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| ??? |
[Jun. 27th, 2005|12:59 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  confused | ] |
???
lets make out. im bored. and yes, this is a poem.
so not to weird you out. But I like to do this a lot.
To the people that might not care too much.
Or question my sanity.
So cheese comes in many different forms I hear.
And in the 90's, the Red Fellas a russian mafia that was involved in international arms dealing, made a deal with these Columbians to buy a submarine from Russia.
And they almost did it, except the ATF got involved and the DEA arrested and deported the guy who was making the deal. His name is Tarzan( not really but you know thats his nickname) and he owned a famous strip club in Miami called Porky's. It was a big gangster hangout where all these mobsters and criminals from around the globe went to make deals and be entertained.
So anyway they deported Tarzan back to Russia or Jerusalem, where ever he was from. And he is today a free man.
I want to be just like Tarzan. They should make the next Grand Theft Auto about him. |
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| The Fight |
[Jun. 17th, 2005|09:33 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | satisfied | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Flatfoot 56 | ] |
To everyone that was worried about me, I Brian Ramirez am fine.
The "fight" that I was getting into turned out to be nothing but a bunch of pussies running their mouths off. And Jacqui turned out to have the biggest mouth out of all of them.
Needless to say, We(Me and Dan and others*) Scared the shit out of them. ALL 8 OF THEM! We had them shaking. Literally.
So nothing really happend. Before they were trying to scare me. But in the end I intimidated them. Jacqui's boyfriend especially. So I'm glad that Jacqui saw that she has to deal with a pussy for a boyfriend. And that all her friends are losers who can't back her up. And I told her I NEVER wanted to hear from her again.
and then we left. Because the "gang" was stupid enough to wait for us in the middle of this neighborhood where everyone could watch. So after all that yelling and screaming( Mostly from me and Jacqui) We all had to leave because I'm pretty sure, by then, someone had called the cops.
so in short I WON. And I did'n't have to even lift a finger.
Tough man walking, Brian R. |
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| . . . . . ........ |
[Jun. 11th, 2005|01:17 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  anxious | ] |
im not sure what is going on. . .I messed up. ..but so did she. I need to know what the hell is going on. Im going crazy over here.
Last night she was so upset then she was so pissed. But she wouldn't talk to me. THat pissed me off. And now Im sitting here waiting for my mom to get off the phone so I can call her.
Its like what I went through with Jacqui all over again. Im not even sure its worth it to try and fix things. Because im not gonna waste my time. Because I can just fuck around and be single and wait for Lauren. But I don't want to wait. I hate waiting. I don't even know if Im worth it to Ashley. But obviously if she doesn't want to talk to me then she doesn't want anything to do with me anymore. That's fine I can deal with that. It's only been like 2-3 weeks. I haven't really grown feelings for her as much, but. I don't know. Im not gonna try and fix this all by myself. If she wants to try, then I'll try. But she has to give a little. I mean she said so herself. She believes in second chances. So maybe, but I don't know. |
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| WOW |
[Jun. 10th, 2005|10:31 am] |
WOW. Ok I haven't written on here in a long time. Im sorry, to whoever care. . . :/ anyway I'm gonna give you a quick update on my life so far.
1. Schools out
2. I dated Phuong
3. I fucked up
4. Now Im dating Ashley(that's not a bad thing)
5. I had a job
6. I fucked that up too
8. My friend Dan had his baby yesterday June 9th
9. and Cornerstone is just around the corner(not a pun)
So yea I'll finish this later. . . |
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| I just took a dive... |
[Apr. 5th, 2005|05:15 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  and crying | ] |
Why is what I want always slip away? I can't seem to have a good grip on things. Everything in my life right now seems to be falling away from me.
Im still hurting from Jacqui. I know that. I still care about her. And I love her because Im a dumbass. I will always want her...and I can never really deny her....It's pathetic I know, but I can't seem to let go.... Everyone keeps telling me it's because I lost it to her and that's why Im so attached, but I don't think its just that. Even if we hadn't, I would still be really attached because of all the crap we went through...How much trouble we've gone through for each other...How much time and effort we put into it...especially me.
And I really don't want someone else to replace her...to make me feel better...but some part of me is really lonely...and I really want someone else like Ashley...but then I tell myself I have to learn to make myself feel happy.
To keep myself occupied. To have something to think about and to improve on other than my relationship with Jacqui or other girls. But it's harder than I thought.
I wish it were as easy as saying "Im gonna move on" or "I don't care about her anymore" because I wouldn't be sitting her now crying about how much shit I have to deal with now.
It's not just Jacqui. I'm failing almost every class I have. And on top of that Im broke. I've been looking for a job for the past 3 months. I can't seem to do anything right.
I guess this is depression? I mean I just want to go away right now...be with my friends..
My friends are the only ones who seem to still be there for me. They haven't changed at all. They're the only ones who are still with me...as everything else falls. I love them all so much. They're all I've got right now. That and my music.
My music. That's the only thing i have to make myself happy. Learning a new song or just jamming out by myself in my room. No one can take that away from me. But just recently I let Jacqui stop me from that even!
She called me on Sunday and wanted to talk out of the blue. I was in the middle of playing with my new amp. And she had always just tolerated me playing before. It was a little bit of a distraction but not much. I would still listen. I mean I tolerated it when I was talking on the phone to her and she would sing or listen to music or watch TV. So it surprised me when she told me to stop playing. And I said no then she threatened not to talk to me. And me being the dumbass in love, I stopped for her!
I stopped playing my guitar for her..I don't do that for anybody! And I just let her do that!? God Im so fucking pathetic! I got really pissed after that. I was mad at myself. Then she got mad at me for being mad. Then we fought. Just when we were starting to be good friends. And I don't know why I would want to be good friends....I guess all the good that she showed me and how sweet she was to me still outweighs the bad shit. To me at least I think it does. But this was crossing the line...and I let it happen....So what I told her was that if she ever asked me to do that ever again I would cut her out of my life forever...I mean it, all the online accounts..I'll block her screename...delete her phone number, everything.
But then today she tells me online about her friend and how she went to her friends fathers funeral. And that she cried her eyes out. And seeing it as I still care about her, I started to get depressed just thinking about her being sad. Then everything else hit me like a ton of bricks. I mean everything. My whole life situation and all the people in it.
I mean it's a cumulation of everything since me and Jacqui broke up.
And now Im here...writing about it...to calm my feelings...
I want to be happy. That's all. I just want to be happy. I don't want to think about it anymore. I don't want to end up like my friend Dan... |
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| Staying up late |
[Mar. 31st, 2005|12:52 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | tired...I think.. | ] |
| [ | music |
| | My Chemical Romance | ] |
I've gotta get back on a regular schedule...It's been half of the Spring Break already and I've been going to bed at like dawn, lol....ugh I need to get some sleep.
But i can't. I don't know why. I think I have insomnia...even during school days I go to bed at like 2 am. What the hell is wrong with me? Oh well, I can manage I guess. The only thing though is that my English and Science teachers aren't too happy with me when I sleep in their classes heheh.
But so far my Spring Break is going pretty good...I'm starting to really like this girl, Ashley. She's cool, she's also got an account on here she's Invaderstevie. Go and look at her journals if you want...
I don't know though I just got out of a kinda bad relationship with this girl Jacqui, I dated her for like 6 months and now less than a week later I meet Ashley. It's kinda funny in a way. I'll talk more about Jacqui and about that situation later.
But I've been talking to Ashley for a little over a week now. She reminds me of Jacqui a little bit. I mean they look nothing alike. But the things she says and the way she acts remind me of her a little. It's kinda creepy. But oh well she seems to like me enough. So I guess I can like her if she likes me this much. I mean I've been talking to her like everyday now and the more I talk to her the more I like her.
Also, me and her are starting out the same way me and Jacqui did. I mean I knew Jacqui only a week before I kissed her. And the same now with Ashley. I kissed her last Saturday when I was leaving her house. I could explain how I felt but I would embarrass myself. Just to say the least, I ran home with a big smile on my face. I ran because I was happy. I ran because for the first time in a long time I wasn't worried about Jacqui or even thinking about her. Hmm...I want to be with her more. I want to see her again. I want to kiss her so badly. She kissed me like...well I havn't been kissed like that in a while. Like it meant something. heh, I just had this feeling of warmth come over me...She makes me feel really good. I just don't know about her.
She seems to have a lot of guy problems rite now. Problems with her ex-boyfriend and with previous boyfriends and other people. So im not sure if rite now is a good time to start dating her. I mean for both of us.
She just got out of a relationship, and so did I. I mean I don't want to rebound. I want to be able to get back on my feet by myself. I don't want to have to have a girl to make me happy for me. I want to learn to rely on myself for something like that.
I also need to get a job before I start dating her. Just so I can have money to do things, and take her out and what not.
I don't know maybe Im thinking about this too much. I get really weird early in the morning and when Im tired late at nite. I mean Im sure Im tired, but the brightness of the monitor seems to be keeping me up. Confusing the part of the brain that tells you when it's time to go to bed. It must think it's still daylight out because the screens so bright. Maybe if I turn down the brightness....no that didn't help..
Fuck it I quit. I know I've gotta get up early just so I can catch her before she leaves for the rest of the week tomorrow. Just so I can be with her and kiss her one last time before school starts again. Because Im sure Im gonna miss her for the next couple of days...how many days till sunday? 3-4 days? Yea without school these days seem a lot longer now. Shit I've gotta get to bed.
how should i conclude this....ahh with one of my favorite lyrics. Music is always the best way to deal with any situation.
This one is one of my favorites...It's an oldie and I dont remember who it comes from.
She's like heroin to me
She cannot miss a vein
And that's the best way to describe my feelings for Ashley. She's like my drug. I can't get enough of her. But hopefully I can control it. Hopefully it doesn't become a prescription like my last relationship. Where I had to pay to be with Jacqui. I had to pay by exercising my limits, my patience, and my wallet because Jacqui lived half an hour from me. Yea, gas sucks rite now.
So hopefully I won't become dependant on Ashley...I hope to god I don't..... |
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| My first entry.... |
[Mar. 30th, 2005|02:18 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  weird | ] |
| [ | music |
| | The Strokes | ] |
Ok this is my debut here.....and I can't think of anything to say.....
Oh well, no one ever does well their first time right? Anyway maybe next time I can think of something better to say. God now I feel like a dumbass.
I'm still getting used to this livejournal thing. It seems easy enough. I gotta look around some more.
Ah jeez.... And Chad is probably going to bitch at me for this but, I need a pee pee break. |
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